rekindled.

I find it very strange, very peculiar how one can forge a friendship that one was relatively certain had been utterly destroyed years before. I must say it isn't a bad feeling, but it's beginning to not feel so awkward. Not one of love. Certainly never that, because I am in love with the perfect man as is she. Our fate as a couple was sealed years ago: we were never destined to truly fall in love. I am satisfied with that, and I'm certain she is, too. However, the chance of friendship back then was nothing. There wasn't a minimal chance in hell of us ever speaking after that emotional day when the knot was tied between us.

I was indeterminably the criminal in this case, from her point of view. From mine, there was no criminal. Just plenty of hurt feelings; too much abuse, too much misunderstanding, too much false hope. You see, I believe that we were no less than crazy back then. We suffered ordeals that no one should have to withstand as a child. No young man or woman should ever have to put up with the emotional and verbal abuse that we did. I knew that we weren't perfect, and I knew it would never last. But I kept holding on to the idea that I would be wrong as soon as I let her go. I knew that I could force myself to live with her by my side. And for what purpose, you ask? I didn't want to be alone. Loneliness is a weakness, a phobia and I cannot bear the thought of an absent companion.

Ah, but these were years ago; years that do not matter anymore. Now, I believe in a different hope. I seek a different star in the sky. I believe that we could be friends, very good friends nonetheless as we began. Nothing more, nothing less. Friends, and I believe that is how we should have stayed before. I think this is a sign. I really do. That everyone deserves a second chance. That everyone can receive that second chance if only they were to strive and believe in such. I believe, now, that time really does heal all wounds.

Most of all, I know for a fact what sign this is.
This is the sign of a new beginning.

And starting anew is a very bright glimmer of hope for all.

into the shadow mind...

Not. Pregnant. :D

=

Took the pregnancy test a few days ago and it proved to be negative. Do you realize what this means? No heart-attacks, panic attacks, crying, freaking out, confessing to parents of late night lies that I've buried so deeply that I can't let them suspect a thing..

I'm content. And it's wonderful, and I am still with Daniel.
And he is still the love of my life.
And I am still the center of his world.
And we still plan on staying together.
For a very, very long time. :)

will you then, on some gentle dawn...

School tomorrow.
Nothing right now.

=
I spent the night with Daniel last night. The parents don't know. HAHA.

We scored the pregnancy test today. No one knows as of yet. Really. I'm going to tell Michi about it. Because she wanted to know. I can't take it til the first or second week of February. It said to wait 19 days from possible conception to take the test if I were unsure of when my period was due. So, we'll see.

I already know how I'm going to respond if it proves positive:
lots, and lots, and lots, and lots of crying, self-loathing, panic, etc.
I am going to have a heart-attack if it turns out that way. But HOPEFULLY, SURELY, I am not. And I will believe in God if I'm not pregnant.

But we will have to see.

Apparently, it's possible to go through the symptoms just by worrying so much about it. God. I hope I'm just worried.

sleepy stars now wish upon you.

I could have made that title epically beautiful, but I decided not to. I'll save spiffy titles for amazing writing, especially when I can lengthen them. :)

I've just been thinking a bunch lately, as always. (When am I not thinking excessively? Ha ha.) You know, about the future. Kind of nervous, actually. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do. At least where I want to go. (I want to go into photography first--travel, experience the world and taste freedom. Then I want to return to college, one day, and become an English teacher. I imagine that it'd be the best future in the world.

Question is: where do I plan on attending college?
Answer: Hell if I know.

I thought I'd attend college here in my hometown for the first two years until I found the right school. Then I found Daniel, and now it's hindering me from wanting to go far away. Because I want to be with him, forever. No kidding. <3 (I have plans with him, you see.)

Anyway. I dunno. xD All I know is I WILL attend college, somewhere and somehow.

--

I'm writing a novel. Didn't know if anyone was aware of that. It's called "Beautifully Broken" so far. The title is certainly up for change, if I can find something more.. poetic.

It's about me, more or less in a more dramatized manner. But all of the events, are typically tied to me in some way. xD Yep. You'll see. When I get Chapter One completed, I will have to show you all somehow.

i want to be happy.

the title sucks. i sound so ungodly "emo" it's not funny.

i sorta feel so ungodly "emo" it's not funny. well. feeling bad is never funny. never.

--

i'm not sure what to say. i need something to shout at without feeling terrible. i need something to just beat the hell out of without regretting it later. i need something to just utterly let go with. but it can't be him, because he's the reason i feel like this. he's the reason i'm both happy and sad right now.

obviously happy because i fucking love him. i do, i know i do. i could see a possible future, even. we've talked about marriage multiple times, and i'm not going to lie, the way it sounds he wants to ask me to marry him sometime later either this year or next. but it's saddening, because he continuously states that he doubts that i love him, and i quote him earlier: "I think I'm the only one in love." what the fuck? obviously if i didn't love the guy i'd break up with him. i don't believe it's the right thing to lead him on.

but because he doubts me, now i'm doubting myself. which is never good, because i start making myself believe shit that might not be true. i ask him if he doubts me, and i'm not sure he responds. what does that tell you? he swears he loves me, but i can't have him doubting me. that isn't healthy for our relationship. i feel ridiculous already, babbling about this shit. i want to text him and tell him i need to talk to him tomorrow, like he promised me i could. but i can't. because i never word things right and i'll make an asshole out of myself and he might seriously think that i don't love him (when i do).

--

i don't know what to do anymore. i really don't because of the position he's put me in. this is the only way i know how to vent right now, and it's because if i talk, i feel like i sound retarded. and i can't say what i'm thinking very well. and i'm not good at it. i want to cry, because i feel like a fucking idiot. not because i'm worried about doubt, not because i'm scared of the future, but because i feel like a blundering, babbling fucking idiot and a baby for being this way over something stupid and small and insignificant. i've run out of words, and i can't go any farther with this i think. i've said all that needs to be said.

i think all that's left is a question:
should i talk to him about this tomorrow? should i just sit down with him and tell him that i'm scared he's doubting me, and explain that i'm scared of the future and of myself and my fucking stupid emotions? should i?

a pleasant letter.

Dear Grandmother,

Here's a blog just for you, then.
If you can FREAKING see this, then give me a call, grandmother. Because I think you're utterly ridiculous.

Yes, I'll say it: I THINK YOU'RE RIDICULOUS. How old am I, seriously? Last time I checked my birthday is in approximately six or seven month. And how old will I be? That's right, eighteen. The proper age of so-called adulthood and full of responsibilities. Obviously they should have raised that bar because I'm not even sure how old you are and you're acting very immature.

I imagine you're going to tell my father what a horrible person I am for posting this to you, and how terrible it is that I'd address you in such a manner. But if this is how you're going to spy on me for the remainder of my life, I'd better get it out here.

I'm sick of it. I realize that perhaps what you're doing is "looking out for my best interested" or for my well-being, and I realize that you want the best for me, but breathing down my back is not my idea of doing so. I don't have your number in my new phone, therefore I can't call you. But I don't see you taking too much of your precious time to call me either.

I understand and have for a long while that my beloved cousin (my father's sister's daughter; might as well look out for her privacy, too) is your favorite. And honestly, I wouldn't care. I have to say I dislike you. I'm sorry, but you haven't exactly been there for me. It feels like you more or less didn't care. I love you, but I don't like you or your methods of being a grandparent.

Go ahead, tell father about it. I really don't care anymore. He'll only really be able to do much about it for so long. I'll show him this, and he might be angry with me. I don't care. It's called a blog, my dear grandmother, and it's freedom of speech. It's freedom of expression. It's my life and I definitely intend to live it as I please, not how you govern it.

Love you,
Alyssa.

dysfunctional.

I've been talking to a very good friend of mine [trust me, he's amazing.] and I kind of realized a few things. For some reason, it really hit something inside of me, made me kind of depressed actually. So.. here goes.

It's just dad and I tonight, since mom took her family back home tonight; she'll be returning tomorrow. I realized that we haven't had real "father-daughter" time together. Yeah, we've spent our evenings together a bit, but most of those were discussing his ever-withering relationship with mother. To me, that isn't real bonding time, even though I have to admit I've learned quite a bit more about dad than I ever though he'd let me in on. Kudos to him. Mom... doesn't talk about anything when we have the chance besides the obvious fact, she hates dad. And it isn't very.. deep. It's just stuff like, "God your dad is an asshole." Well, yeah he can be. But I still respect and love the guy. For God's sake... he's my hero.

I dunno. It's just... dad's said [a lot] that he "isn't sure how much longer they can stay together," or "when the divorce will be." And despite how much you people think I can't handle it, I will handle it, and get over it. I want it to happen already. Not because I hate my mom, or my dad. That's not it. I love them both. But if they aren't happy with each other, then what the fuck is the point in staying together? Someone seems to think that it's because of me. If it's me, then I wish I'd disappear... I don't want them together if they don't love each other. I know this may come off as selfish - which I'm not selfish very often - but... I need someone to talk to. To share opinions with. So... yeah.

Thanks if you actually read this. If you just skimmed it, and pretended to care, you should fall in a hole.