will you then, on some gentle dawn...

School tomorrow.
Nothing right now.

=
I spent the night with Daniel last night. The parents don't know. HAHA.

We scored the pregnancy test today. No one knows as of yet. Really. I'm going to tell Michi about it. Because she wanted to know. I can't take it til the first or second week of February. It said to wait 19 days from possible conception to take the test if I were unsure of when my period was due. So, we'll see.

I already know how I'm going to respond if it proves positive:
lots, and lots, and lots, and lots of crying, self-loathing, panic, etc.
I am going to have a heart-attack if it turns out that way. But HOPEFULLY, SURELY, I am not. And I will believe in God if I'm not pregnant.

But we will have to see.

Apparently, it's possible to go through the symptoms just by worrying so much about it. God. I hope I'm just worried.

sleepy stars now wish upon you.

I could have made that title epically beautiful, but I decided not to. I'll save spiffy titles for amazing writing, especially when I can lengthen them. :)

I've just been thinking a bunch lately, as always. (When am I not thinking excessively? Ha ha.) You know, about the future. Kind of nervous, actually. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do. At least where I want to go. (I want to go into photography first--travel, experience the world and taste freedom. Then I want to return to college, one day, and become an English teacher. I imagine that it'd be the best future in the world.

Question is: where do I plan on attending college?
Answer: Hell if I know.

I thought I'd attend college here in my hometown for the first two years until I found the right school. Then I found Daniel, and now it's hindering me from wanting to go far away. Because I want to be with him, forever. No kidding. <3 (I have plans with him, you see.)

Anyway. I dunno. xD All I know is I WILL attend college, somewhere and somehow.

--

I'm writing a novel. Didn't know if anyone was aware of that. It's called "Beautifully Broken" so far. The title is certainly up for change, if I can find something more.. poetic.

It's about me, more or less in a more dramatized manner. But all of the events, are typically tied to me in some way. xD Yep. You'll see. When I get Chapter One completed, I will have to show you all somehow.

i want to be happy.

the title sucks. i sound so ungodly "emo" it's not funny.

i sorta feel so ungodly "emo" it's not funny. well. feeling bad is never funny. never.

--

i'm not sure what to say. i need something to shout at without feeling terrible. i need something to just beat the hell out of without regretting it later. i need something to just utterly let go with. but it can't be him, because he's the reason i feel like this. he's the reason i'm both happy and sad right now.

obviously happy because i fucking love him. i do, i know i do. i could see a possible future, even. we've talked about marriage multiple times, and i'm not going to lie, the way it sounds he wants to ask me to marry him sometime later either this year or next. but it's saddening, because he continuously states that he doubts that i love him, and i quote him earlier: "I think I'm the only one in love." what the fuck? obviously if i didn't love the guy i'd break up with him. i don't believe it's the right thing to lead him on.

but because he doubts me, now i'm doubting myself. which is never good, because i start making myself believe shit that might not be true. i ask him if he doubts me, and i'm not sure he responds. what does that tell you? he swears he loves me, but i can't have him doubting me. that isn't healthy for our relationship. i feel ridiculous already, babbling about this shit. i want to text him and tell him i need to talk to him tomorrow, like he promised me i could. but i can't. because i never word things right and i'll make an asshole out of myself and he might seriously think that i don't love him (when i do).

--

i don't know what to do anymore. i really don't because of the position he's put me in. this is the only way i know how to vent right now, and it's because if i talk, i feel like i sound retarded. and i can't say what i'm thinking very well. and i'm not good at it. i want to cry, because i feel like a fucking idiot. not because i'm worried about doubt, not because i'm scared of the future, but because i feel like a blundering, babbling fucking idiot and a baby for being this way over something stupid and small and insignificant. i've run out of words, and i can't go any farther with this i think. i've said all that needs to be said.

i think all that's left is a question:
should i talk to him about this tomorrow? should i just sit down with him and tell him that i'm scared he's doubting me, and explain that i'm scared of the future and of myself and my fucking stupid emotions? should i?

a pleasant letter.

Dear Grandmother,

Here's a blog just for you, then.
If you can FREAKING see this, then give me a call, grandmother. Because I think you're utterly ridiculous.

Yes, I'll say it: I THINK YOU'RE RIDICULOUS. How old am I, seriously? Last time I checked my birthday is in approximately six or seven month. And how old will I be? That's right, eighteen. The proper age of so-called adulthood and full of responsibilities. Obviously they should have raised that bar because I'm not even sure how old you are and you're acting very immature.

I imagine you're going to tell my father what a horrible person I am for posting this to you, and how terrible it is that I'd address you in such a manner. But if this is how you're going to spy on me for the remainder of my life, I'd better get it out here.

I'm sick of it. I realize that perhaps what you're doing is "looking out for my best interested" or for my well-being, and I realize that you want the best for me, but breathing down my back is not my idea of doing so. I don't have your number in my new phone, therefore I can't call you. But I don't see you taking too much of your precious time to call me either.

I understand and have for a long while that my beloved cousin (my father's sister's daughter; might as well look out for her privacy, too) is your favorite. And honestly, I wouldn't care. I have to say I dislike you. I'm sorry, but you haven't exactly been there for me. It feels like you more or less didn't care. I love you, but I don't like you or your methods of being a grandparent.

Go ahead, tell father about it. I really don't care anymore. He'll only really be able to do much about it for so long. I'll show him this, and he might be angry with me. I don't care. It's called a blog, my dear grandmother, and it's freedom of speech. It's freedom of expression. It's my life and I definitely intend to live it as I please, not how you govern it.

Love you,
Alyssa.

dysfunctional.

I've been talking to a very good friend of mine [trust me, he's amazing.] and I kind of realized a few things. For some reason, it really hit something inside of me, made me kind of depressed actually. So.. here goes.

It's just dad and I tonight, since mom took her family back home tonight; she'll be returning tomorrow. I realized that we haven't had real "father-daughter" time together. Yeah, we've spent our evenings together a bit, but most of those were discussing his ever-withering relationship with mother. To me, that isn't real bonding time, even though I have to admit I've learned quite a bit more about dad than I ever though he'd let me in on. Kudos to him. Mom... doesn't talk about anything when we have the chance besides the obvious fact, she hates dad. And it isn't very.. deep. It's just stuff like, "God your dad is an asshole." Well, yeah he can be. But I still respect and love the guy. For God's sake... he's my hero.

I dunno. It's just... dad's said [a lot] that he "isn't sure how much longer they can stay together," or "when the divorce will be." And despite how much you people think I can't handle it, I will handle it, and get over it. I want it to happen already. Not because I hate my mom, or my dad. That's not it. I love them both. But if they aren't happy with each other, then what the fuck is the point in staying together? Someone seems to think that it's because of me. If it's me, then I wish I'd disappear... I don't want them together if they don't love each other. I know this may come off as selfish - which I'm not selfish very often - but... I need someone to talk to. To share opinions with. So... yeah.

Thanks if you actually read this. If you just skimmed it, and pretended to care, you should fall in a hole.

that fucking hurts.

Seriously, it does. You'll never read this, but I need to vent and you're not here to scream at. Just to warn you, you've pissed off more than one person now.

You know, you spent all that time trying to rebuild my fucking crumbled self-esteem. You spent all that time trying to get me to fucking speak to you because you wanted me to let you in. Then what the fuck did you do? Well, first you broke my heart in the most cruel way possible. Thanks for that by the way, you selfish pig-fucking sonofabitch. I said it, and I mean every bit of it. Second, you turn around from all of that stupid -think better about yourself- bullshit and tear it down YOURSELF. With your own goddamn words, all that work was for nothing. I bet you feel so fucking accomplished, asshole. I hope you choke on your words one day.

In fact, I'm fairly certain you will. You'll end up alone and fucking helpless. And even if I don't end up better than that, I'll still find that pleasure in my heart to laugh at you. I'm sure we all will. I find it funny how I'm one of your exes and I get the pleasure of being friends with the other ones. I guess I should have listened to them, huh? YOU'RE A DICK; AN ASSHOLE; A FUCKING SELF-CENTERED PRICK WHO DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE BUT HIMSELF. AND THAT'S SO DAMN OBVIOUS TO ME RIGHT NOW.

I should have listened to them. I really should have. And since I didn't, I fell into that trap you set for me, believed every word you said about love. I believed every bit of it and ended up ANGRY and RESENTFUL toward you. Despite how much I wanted to fix the hardly existent friendship between us, I see no fucking point in it. You'll still find ways to drive that damn knife into my back. Not my heart - no, you're not smart enough to get it that far - but right into my goddamn back.

I hope you feel proud of yourself, dickwad.

[major vent...excuse the mass amount of cussing in there. but i'm pissed.]

have you ever...

...just felt like you were invisible around people sometimes?

I mean... you know... that feeling like no matter how many goddamn people fill the room you're still absolutely alone? Have you ever gotten that feeling that perhaps you let something so absolutely pure - so utterly REAL - slip through your fingers like sand? As if the winds of change had blown those blissful feathers from your hands? I feel like that. Like I let someone go, that I shouldn't have (NOT JOHN). People are always quoting: "If you really love someone, you'll let them go." But, I don't think it's like that. Sure, if they aren't happy, then yeah. Let them go if it is to benefit them, their happiness. If their heart lies with something or someone else than yourself, you can't change it.

However, what if you really don't know? Wouldn't it be okay to ask first? To get some insight into what they're thinking sometimes? To find out how they REALLY feel? I personally see nothing wrong with it. But... what if they won't talk about it? What are you to do but act on instincts?

I let someone go, and I wasn't entirely sure. But it felt as if... what we had crumbled. Like much else, it withered and broke apart until there was nothing left. I acted on instinct, because he wouldn't talk to me. Then again, I can't say I did my part to ask. I can't help but wonder if it was the right thing or not. Recently we've spoken, but... I dunno. Nothing feels the same with anyone anymore, it seems. Distance. There is so much of it between my friends and I; between my family and I. Is it me? Am I responsible for this distance? Is it really me that is making such a terrible feeling rise within me?

I can't say for sure what it is. No one can. Life is uncertain; fate is just a tease. I like risks, thrills, chances, surprises. However, I also like to be informed; I like to remain updated. I like to be able to predict. I just can't do that with this shit. I'm tired of THINKING that something is real and ending up falling through the same hole I've stumbled in too many times before. Fallacy. Lies. Such a twisted world, huh?



"OTL...
Sorry for the pouring of silliness in this. I realleh dunno the purpose of sharing. Maybe you'll have some constructive opinions rather than, "Aw, that's sad. Sorry." or "Wow, you worded it cool, nice." ADVICE.
Plz?

why?

I hate the feeling of being used. And lately, it kind of seems like that's how it is.
Not that I'm saying people are intentionally making me feel that way, but... seriously, it seems like some of you who call yourselves my friends only speak to me when you need something. Whether it be entertainment, a ride, money etc... doesn't matter. But it feels like that's the only time I'm your friend is when you want/need something from me. I dunno if you mean to, but... it kind of hurts.

And... I really don't like being ignored... but it's like sometimes... when certain people come around that's all you do to me. I feel like I have to do something to earn your attention. I try to do all I can for you guys and it feels like I get shit in return except being treated like it. I hate it.

And another thing is bringing "X" into the conversation. [X=someone] It's like because I'm her best friend -- and the one who seemingly speaks to her the most -- I am to be hated. Some of you don't make an effort to speak to "X", and thus really don't have a right to accuse me or her of doing anything together. I'm sorry that since "X" is gone, that I'm the one who speaks to this person the most probably. Not my fault. "X" is still your friend, too, you know? "X" would love to hang out with you guys too, if you'd make the effort to do so.

But... seriously. I'm tired of feeling like this. Maybe it's unintentional, but it still hurts.
Wake up and realize what you're doing sometime. I'm not asking for your UNDIVIDED attention, but obviously if you can't keep up with more than one friend at a time you don't need so many around. Which reminds me of one more thing...
I've noticed how you can talk and joke and have fun with everyone else when a certain somebody is around but it's always me who faces the cold shoulder. You can pretty much pay attention to everyone except myself.

Who knows. But, you know who you are, and I think maybe we should talk about this some more.

multiple topics.

I've
begun to realize the steady fluctuation in my abilities. One moment it
seems I could write to no end; the next I can't think of a damn thing.
I don't understand "inspiration," I simply know that it makes it
possible for the gears in my mind to properly function. Or perhaps it
simply makes it easier. Nonetheless, it is a situation I would like to
fix manually, rather than waiting for it to come.
-----
Life in
general is difficult to comprehend, as many things are. (Though it does
not mean that one will cease wondering. Especially myself. :D)

I
imagine one of the most unusual things that I question is the human
mind. One could say that it is a simple device, used to merely function
the body. However, I don't speak of the brain itself; I speak of the
mind, one's thoughts and feelings. What makes one think how they do?
What makes one form such opinions? Do you ever find yourself inquiring
the very same thing?

I feel that if I weren't aiming for
photojournalism and the like in college, I would most certainly major
in Psychology. It's been an interest of mine over several years to
study human behaviors, decisions, thoughts. I have always desired to
understand what makes people tick the way they do.Seriously! Would it
not be fascinating to comprehend such an astounding mechanism?
-----
I'm
well aware that I am not the smartest being alive, but I'm getting
rather vexed with people treating me as if I weren't any more
intelligent than a rock. I must say that I do, in fact, exist. I am a
living, breathing, speaking human being with enough capability to fully
know what I am doing or talking about.

In all honesty, I'm not
extremely knowledgeable when it comes to school. I haven't excelled
greatly in the classes I have taken and so forth. However, I feel that
I contain more common sense than a room crowded with scholars. Yes,
that's how bad it is.I think I'll move on, so I won't become too
steamed on the subject. :)
-----
I realize that people have their
opinions. I do, really. And I appreciate knowing that you hold true to
your own. But I can't say that I appreciate it when someone completely
disrespects my opinions.

Music, for example. I'm certain that
you and I don't listen to the exact same thing. However, there's one
thing wrong with your statement. You LOVE music, but you refuse to
listen to tunes that are in a foreign language. Simply because the
lyrics aren't in English doesn't make a difference. Music is music,
regardless of the language barrier. (Those who know me: you fully
understand that's my belief. :D I mean.. my freaking library of music
is crammed with Japanese music.)

Genre is a different matter.
Style is a preference, but that doesn't keep you from looking into it a
little. I found that most rap and country is not to my liking. However,
there are a few songs I can tolerate. All it takes is being
adventurous. :P
-----
I think I am done. :D

password protection for my heart.

I've begun to notice that my irritation with people is growing. In all honesty, I've noticed that love is a very overused word. Overused, and certainly taken out of context. It's tearing me apart. For a long time, I've found myself sitting and thinking, What if anyone and everyone that's ever told you they loved you, lied? Reminiscences of events similar have come into mind when contemplating that sentence. Too many a time have I been told I was loved; over half have lied to me.

It's painful to think about it, honestly. I absolutely hate to wonder if my friends really care. But I've begun to notice the differences in my friends and my acquaintances.

I realize that some of you truly care. I really do. I know that there are people who show kindness to me. And in those few people, I believe it's real. I know that they are going to try their best to be beside me, helping me fend off my demons. I know that they will be there to lean on, and in return I offer my gratitude. I offer myself and my time to listen and to try my best to comfort, and I promise with all of my heart to lend a shoulder to cry on.

However, I also realize that there are also those who can easily make one believe that they love you. I realize that slick words can certainly play tricks on one's mind. And I've noticed that several people have done this to me in the past. I've heard it all of my life, "I love you," and yet still I haven't found but once or twice that it's meant something to me. I know that I'm not perfect. But it is no reason to use me and to pretend. I hate to be lied to, and it is what some have done. Those are the "friends" who claim they will always be there for you, then ironically when you need them they disappear. Then, later then I begin to inquire as to why they only pretend to care, they act as if they've been there my entire life, through everything with me. Which is bullshit, of course.

I'm tired of being called names. I realize I'm short, fuck. I've lived with it, okay? It's quite obvious, now I'm finished with the subject. For those who still make fun of me, and know me well enough, you should have gotten used to it by now. And, I am not stupid. I am not ignorant. I realize that I don't make straight A's in school, but I'm not stupid. I have more common sense than several people. It's not amusing to return home to a father who says things such as, "Why aren't you as smart as Megan?" or, "You can't be my child. If you were my child, you'd be good in school." Yeah, well you were a fuck-off when you were a kid. Don't say anything you can't back up.

I've begun to question what's really out there for me. I've begun to question my future. Yes, I have plans. However, I'm very unsure whether those plans will take action or not. I'm going to start trying to be a little more optimistic. If at all possible, I'm going to start telling myself that there has to be something out there for me. I am going to believe that I will make it into the future of my dreams, as long as I maintain the willpower to do so.

Confidence and self-esteem are two of my biggest problems, as most of you know. I don't believe in myself most of all, and I'm sure most of you are aware that I do not like myself. But, that is the thing. I absolutely hate myself. There isn't a lie about that folks. I've heard it too much in recent years, "I hate myself," but these people stating it have at least one thing they like about themselves. As for me, I haven't found one thing, inside or out, that I like about myself. Most of you know my biggest reasoning for this -- though as all of you know, I HATE using that as an excuse. It's a terrible story, I know. But it's absolutely true.

You all know of my problems. If you haven't witnessed it, you've certainly heard of it and you do not want to witness it. If you didn't notice, I reanimated those bad habits this last spring. I never plan to again. But plans can change, and that is what scares me the most.

My worst fear is for my parents to find out about those things. I already feel like a failure to both of them. I am not the perfect child, and I realize this. And it scares me. All I have ever wanted in my life, more than friends and love, is the approval and pride of my parents. My "issues" could easily break what little I feel that I've gained from them, and despite how much I want to talk to them... I can't. Because I'm afraid that all they will reply is, "It's your teenage years. It's typical."

I'm tired of being hurt. I fully comprehend that it will always happen. Death, divorce, break-ups, other things... They will always be there, and they will always remain a factor for my emotions. All I can do is hope that they are kept at a minimum. All I can do is try my best to get by.

respect: learn it.

I've begun to notice day by day how little people respect one another, and I've grown extremely tired of this. I have a story I would like to share to emphasize my point.

As most of you know, I'm in the high school band, and yesterday we attended a marching critique and UCA football game in Conway. We had to learn some new things for the football game that evening, as we were participating with 1,200 or so other band members from different towns--some even from different states. After given directions, we were provided lunch and had the privilege of relaxing before the big evening.
After waiting a couple of hours, the time for the football game arrived. We waited until ten minutes before the buzzer sounded, recognizing the end of the second quarter and the beginning of halftime. We were ordered to line up in our formation for the show (which was a massive rectangular shape on the field). Each of us had lines, each of us had to remember the people behind, in front, and to the sides of us, which I had done. I noticed that no one was exactly rushing to their spots, since we had ten minutes before halftime even began. Seeing this, I didn't rush too very much either, seeing as how I was in relatively the spot I should have been.
Before I can exactly comprehend why, my name is literally screamed from behind me. (Keep in mind this is a very crowded place; there are almost 600 people crammed in this end zone of the field. It is LOUD.) I turn to see who was trying to get my attention. It was Dani (Daniel Snyder). At this time, note that I do not respect her, much less even like her. I can hardly tolerate the brat.
I ask as politely as I could, "What?" And she responded snappily, "I've called your name like three freakin' times and you never pay attention. Your spot is OVER HERE." Again, I try to talk to her politely, by saying, "Excuse me, but you could have approached me and tapped me on the shoulder or something. It's loud here; I can't hear you." And of course, another snappy remark: "Psh, I'm not going to do that." I finally lose my cool. I've more than respected her at this point, and I see no reason after that to continue to do so. My response is, "Fine. STOP FUCKING BITCHING THEN." And, I turn and walk toward my spot which is about only a foot away. She does not speak to me the rest of the evening.

Tell me: by reading that, can you see what I am getting at? I am a Senior in high school; she is a Junior. Not to use my class as a reason to respect me (for she should respect Sophomores as well), but I know the ropes a little better than she does.

I find it hard to tolerate people who treat me as though I mean nothing. Which brings me to another little side story sort of thing. I was told by the section leaders in Band that my opinion mattered, and that what I said was important. However, when I need to speak, I get overridden, ignored and interrupted. To me, this does not send a message that states what they had told me.

One of my problems, is that I allow people to do walk all over me. They figure I'm a decent girl, who tries to be nice to nearly everyone, and so it doesn't matter if I get hurt a little. Which, yes, everyone. Getting treated like that hurts a LOT. I let people use me like a carpet and treat me like shit. At this rate, it is going to end very soon, and I'm not going to be the "nice kind of girl" that people know me as. I am going to purely be a BITCH.

I need to defend myself, and I seriously think that it's one of my biggest problems. I let myself get used and walked on.

No more.

MY POINT OF THIS BLOG:

I am simply sick and tired of getting treated like shit.
I see no point-no reason-for people who degrade and absolutely disrespect others. I cannot stand it one bit, and I think that is one of my problems with people. From here on out, I am going to try to state my opinions clearly and loudly, and if someone doesn't like it, fuck them. It's the way I seem to get treated a lot. Why not return the favor?

seriously.

Had I been less able to contain my rage, I'd have already approached you and bitchslapped the fuck out of you. I won't even lie. I can't believe you, you selfish sonofabitch. I have to admit, you're pretty brave, admitting to even your friends that you only dated me to have sex with me. Which DIDN'T happen. It wasn't like I didn't know, though. I was very sure that you were a stupid bastard, but hey.. I'm a stupid bitch, so I fell for it.

All of that shit about, 'Well, I've liked you for several years.' And even the, 'My sister said I should have went after you years ago.' It was cute, sure. But it was all fuckin' lies that you made up to make me like you. To make me love you. And then you made up even more lies--or was that Hunter's stupid bullshit?--about breaking up with me. HAHA. 'Relationships over the summer never last, and besides...' Yeah, I bet your sister was really gonna hook you up with someone. As if anyone would want your stupid, self-centered, sex-crazed ass. You're still a virgin. And you act like it's a bad thing. You know, it's not necessary to lose it before high school ends. I'm still a virgin, and I'm not exactly in a hurry to lose it. You're just a dumbass, and that's obvious. I'm sure the next girl (or guy, who knows? You and Hunter might have a secret thing going.) that you pretend to love will hate you just as much as I do. I found an even better reason for hating you and I'll use it until the day I die.

You can rot in whatever hole you're going to end up burying for yourself.


Simply put:

Fuck you.