password protection for my heart.

I've begun to notice that my irritation with people is growing. In all honesty, I've noticed that love is a very overused word. Overused, and certainly taken out of context. It's tearing me apart. For a long time, I've found myself sitting and thinking, What if anyone and everyone that's ever told you they loved you, lied? Reminiscences of events similar have come into mind when contemplating that sentence. Too many a time have I been told I was loved; over half have lied to me.

It's painful to think about it, honestly. I absolutely hate to wonder if my friends really care. But I've begun to notice the differences in my friends and my acquaintances.

I realize that some of you truly care. I really do. I know that there are people who show kindness to me. And in those few people, I believe it's real. I know that they are going to try their best to be beside me, helping me fend off my demons. I know that they will be there to lean on, and in return I offer my gratitude. I offer myself and my time to listen and to try my best to comfort, and I promise with all of my heart to lend a shoulder to cry on.

However, I also realize that there are also those who can easily make one believe that they love you. I realize that slick words can certainly play tricks on one's mind. And I've noticed that several people have done this to me in the past. I've heard it all of my life, "I love you," and yet still I haven't found but once or twice that it's meant something to me. I know that I'm not perfect. But it is no reason to use me and to pretend. I hate to be lied to, and it is what some have done. Those are the "friends" who claim they will always be there for you, then ironically when you need them they disappear. Then, later then I begin to inquire as to why they only pretend to care, they act as if they've been there my entire life, through everything with me. Which is bullshit, of course.

I'm tired of being called names. I realize I'm short, fuck. I've lived with it, okay? It's quite obvious, now I'm finished with the subject. For those who still make fun of me, and know me well enough, you should have gotten used to it by now. And, I am not stupid. I am not ignorant. I realize that I don't make straight A's in school, but I'm not stupid. I have more common sense than several people. It's not amusing to return home to a father who says things such as, "Why aren't you as smart as Megan?" or, "You can't be my child. If you were my child, you'd be good in school." Yeah, well you were a fuck-off when you were a kid. Don't say anything you can't back up.

I've begun to question what's really out there for me. I've begun to question my future. Yes, I have plans. However, I'm very unsure whether those plans will take action or not. I'm going to start trying to be a little more optimistic. If at all possible, I'm going to start telling myself that there has to be something out there for me. I am going to believe that I will make it into the future of my dreams, as long as I maintain the willpower to do so.

Confidence and self-esteem are two of my biggest problems, as most of you know. I don't believe in myself most of all, and I'm sure most of you are aware that I do not like myself. But, that is the thing. I absolutely hate myself. There isn't a lie about that folks. I've heard it too much in recent years, "I hate myself," but these people stating it have at least one thing they like about themselves. As for me, I haven't found one thing, inside or out, that I like about myself. Most of you know my biggest reasoning for this -- though as all of you know, I HATE using that as an excuse. It's a terrible story, I know. But it's absolutely true.

You all know of my problems. If you haven't witnessed it, you've certainly heard of it and you do not want to witness it. If you didn't notice, I reanimated those bad habits this last spring. I never plan to again. But plans can change, and that is what scares me the most.

My worst fear is for my parents to find out about those things. I already feel like a failure to both of them. I am not the perfect child, and I realize this. And it scares me. All I have ever wanted in my life, more than friends and love, is the approval and pride of my parents. My "issues" could easily break what little I feel that I've gained from them, and despite how much I want to talk to them... I can't. Because I'm afraid that all they will reply is, "It's your teenage years. It's typical."

I'm tired of being hurt. I fully comprehend that it will always happen. Death, divorce, break-ups, other things... They will always be there, and they will always remain a factor for my emotions. All I can do is hope that they are kept at a minimum. All I can do is try my best to get by.