i want to be happy.

the title sucks. i sound so ungodly "emo" it's not funny.

i sorta feel so ungodly "emo" it's not funny. well. feeling bad is never funny. never.

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i'm not sure what to say. i need something to shout at without feeling terrible. i need something to just beat the hell out of without regretting it later. i need something to just utterly let go with. but it can't be him, because he's the reason i feel like this. he's the reason i'm both happy and sad right now.

obviously happy because i fucking love him. i do, i know i do. i could see a possible future, even. we've talked about marriage multiple times, and i'm not going to lie, the way it sounds he wants to ask me to marry him sometime later either this year or next. but it's saddening, because he continuously states that he doubts that i love him, and i quote him earlier: "I think I'm the only one in love." what the fuck? obviously if i didn't love the guy i'd break up with him. i don't believe it's the right thing to lead him on.

but because he doubts me, now i'm doubting myself. which is never good, because i start making myself believe shit that might not be true. i ask him if he doubts me, and i'm not sure he responds. what does that tell you? he swears he loves me, but i can't have him doubting me. that isn't healthy for our relationship. i feel ridiculous already, babbling about this shit. i want to text him and tell him i need to talk to him tomorrow, like he promised me i could. but i can't. because i never word things right and i'll make an asshole out of myself and he might seriously think that i don't love him (when i do).

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i don't know what to do anymore. i really don't because of the position he's put me in. this is the only way i know how to vent right now, and it's because if i talk, i feel like i sound retarded. and i can't say what i'm thinking very well. and i'm not good at it. i want to cry, because i feel like a fucking idiot. not because i'm worried about doubt, not because i'm scared of the future, but because i feel like a blundering, babbling fucking idiot and a baby for being this way over something stupid and small and insignificant. i've run out of words, and i can't go any farther with this i think. i've said all that needs to be said.

i think all that's left is a question:
should i talk to him about this tomorrow? should i just sit down with him and tell him that i'm scared he's doubting me, and explain that i'm scared of the future and of myself and my fucking stupid emotions? should i?